a lot of pieces

I have exactly one week left as an employee of MTV, which comes not a moment too soon, but actually about six months too late.  While I’m not going to deny the initial novelty of getting paid to watch TV all night in the heart of Times Square, the novelty quickly wore off, and working from midnight to 6 or 7 in the morning made me a sort-of ghost during my first year in NYC.  Looking back, I think the only thing that kept me somewhat together was the sleeping girlfriend I came home to every morning.

For the last two weeks, I haven’t had a sleeping girlfriend to come home to every morning – just an overwhelmingly empty apartment with a space on the bed where she used to lie, nails in the walls where our photos used to hang, and a cat that stares at me and asks me where she went.

Soon the cat will be gone, too.

Immediately after I finish my last night at MTV I’m flying to Mexico.  Coverage got into a film festival down there, and they’re paying for my lodging for ten days.  Exciting, yes.  It will be good to get away, is a popular sentiment.

As soon as I get back to New York I start a new job – a day job, and a big step up from watching TV for a living.  I’ll finally be awake when other people are awake, sleeping when other people sleep, and yet…

It’s as if I’m being given these big pieces of happiness, but with an even bigger catch – these pieces lose their heft without her, and they can’t replace the pieces that she took with her when she left.

She took a lot of pieces, some of which I fear I may never get back.

In the end, though, I just miss her.

I miss her so goddamned much.

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